Dearest friends and family

I hope whilst you read this that the both of us are safe and alive, but alas, I fear the chances of that being the case are extremely meek. Looking around our campus this past week, it is obvious to me that we Storm Lake-ian’s are about to be the victims of the next mass zombie attack. The dismal fog that surrounds our quaint town holds more than simple molecules of water in the air, it holds our looming doom!

I write to you insisting that you stay indoors, especially at night. Anyone you see that looks as though they walk stiff with the pains of rigor mortis should be avoided.

Should you have to go outdoors in the night, utilize the buddy system, but ensure you’re not the one walking behind the other, because as we all know, the lingerer gets killed first.

Also, be weary of even your closest friends because if they get infected they’ll know how to manipulate you into eating your brain!

Especially be weary of significant others because they can tempt you with their sexual wiles which can leave you in an extremely vulnerable state to have your frontal lobe practically sucked out through your nose. Furthermore, I know it’s hard, but don’t be too trusting of your pets, they become vicious when they become part of the “undead.”

There are few ways to protect yourself in times of a mass zombie attack, like the one I’m certain is coming, but I will share what little information I have. The first is to never be alone.

The second is to always carry a torch on you, because we all know the only thing that zombies don’t like is fire. It’s best to use the general wood-with-some-form-of-cloth-soaked-in -gasoline-and-wrapped-around-the-top torch. Flame throwers can’t be trusted, they run out of gasoline a lot faster than you would think.

The third thing that you can do to protect yourself from zombies during an attack is create decoys. Personally, in my own suite, I have Manuala. She is a mannequin that my suitemates and I created in order to distract a zombie should they invade our building. Insure that your decoys are as human-like as possible: include hair, make-up, clothes, and maybe rub yourself all over it in order to transfer your scent.

There are a few small things to remember when enduring a zombie attack, I’m sure most of you know this already, but we’ll review for safety’s sake.

Don’t wear perfume, zombies love the smell of perfume. Run past trees, don’t walk. Zombies always hide behind trees, which also leads to the matter of always donning tennis shoes because you never know when you’ll have to run. Also be careful of professors, despite their high levels of education, they are often the first to be preyed upon, perhaps due to their old lady perfumes and inability to outrun us young folk.

I beseech you, Storm Lake inhabitants, do not take this matter lightly. Do not be persuaded by non-believers, they’re probably zombies. This is indeed a serious situation. Take care to write your loved ones and say your goodbyes, just in case. Let us all protect ourselves by retreating into our save heavens, wherever they may be, and wait…wait for the fog to clear…